On the list for extermination: Pop Punk Bands. Here’s the thing with kids in pop punk bands – they’re idiots. They try and look all tough, and then write sissy music and put on a show that is closer to a ballet than any punk rock show should ever be.
Example number 1, Good Charlotte.
Good Charlotte - posers
Writing music you would expect to hear come from a female pop star, which sounds like it was sung by their 4 year-old little sister, these guys aren’t fooling anyone. Just because you have tattoos on your knuckles and smear mascara on your face, singing about wanting to be rich does not suddenly become punk rock. Instead, you end up looking like a teenage girl that’s been crying for hours after watching her favorite episode of Gossip Girl, and you sound like a spoiled brat. Listen kid, when your name is Benji (yes, like that cute little mutt that was in movies when we were kids) no one will believe that you are tough. Speaking of pop stars and spoiled brats, we’re on the next example, Fall Out Boy.
Fall Out Boy - loves pop stars and lawyers
Yes, that dude beat up the neighbor kid , who happens to be the only 3rd grader in the neighborhood with only one arm, and stole his hoodie to wear in this picture. He also got his hair dyed at his mother’s salon. Also, that dude on the back left looks like Patrick Dempsey from Can’t Buy Me Love. Not tough. When you write songs with titles like “Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued” no respectable punk rocker will respect you, because you don’t deserve it. Real punk rockers wouldn’t have attorneys, and if they’re label had an attorney, who made such a suggestion, they wouldn’t care, because they have no respect for authority, government, or laws. Also, when you are able to say, “Hey guys, I’m spending Christmas this year with my wife, Ashely Simpson’s family…” you are not punk rock. Punk rockers don’t marry pop stars. They have standards.
Finally, New Found Glory.
New Found Glory - from the golf course to your television - I swear we're punk rock
I’m pretty sure that guy is not currently enrolled in Hogwarts, and there is no other reason for him to be wearing those ridiculous clothes. “No guys, it’s cool, I put a button on the blazer. Trust me, it’s tough.” You cannot make an entire album of Disney cover songs, and claim to be punk rock. End of the story.
so, so true
The real problem with these guys is that they bring shame to a respectable scene. Take for example: Gallows.
singer - hangin' from the rafters
This is how a real punk rock show should look – band members hanging from the rafters, fists in the air, and people going crazy. With lyrics like “Forget yourselves, you’re all going to burn in hell. You have no redeeming features.” and “A million ‘Hail Marry’s won’t save you now, we’re burning all your churches down.” these guy know how to keep it real, and keep it punk rock.
Next example of real punk rock? Rancid.
Yes, that mohawk alone is enough to make you punk rock.
Without a doubt, these guys could beat the crap out of those pop punk kiddies. There is no denying the punk rockness of Rancid. With songs about being 15 and drinking on the public bus, these guys have clearly been mixing it up for decades with a demonstrated lack of respect for authority and rules. Just look at the genuine toughness on those faces.
I propose that we schedule a brawl, between the real punk rockers and the pop punk rockers. This extermination will take care of itself. No one really wants to listen to pop punk anyway. Just imagine…