Skip navigation

When exterminating, it is important to use the proper tools. For the big jobs, a gas mask is always recommended. Given the danger associated with some forms of extermination, it is important that you always keep your gear, including your gas mask, in tip top shape. Here is a friendly public service accouncement.

Advertisements

To start off, I would like to apologize for the lull in posts to this fabulous blog. I’m sure that the adoring fans have felt lost, frustrated, and abandoned during this time. My fellow exterminators, you have not been abandoned. Things got a little crazy and I admit, I forgot about what’s most important in this life: Extermination. And with that, we’re back.

Up for extermination today: People who build stupid houses. In the early days, cavemen (and probably well-behaved cave women) dwelt in caves. (I recognize that this may seem obvious based on the name “caveman” but you should never be presumptuous about your audience’s intelligence.)

Just a couple of cavement, drawing on the wall. It's what they did.

As the cavemen evolved, so did his need for better housing (and better style).

Using their primitive tools and advanced architectural skills, the Native Americans were the first to build what we consider to be a true “house”.

Behold, the blueprints for a Native American row house.

As Native American technology, design, and need, continued to advance, so did their houses.

I gotta find one of these.

Eventually, we arrived at the modern day house, in all its glory.

Somewhere along the line, idiots decided to start building stupid houses. I don’t know why, but I know they should be exterminated for it.

The spaceship house, built by some idiot in Tennessee, probably after he was abducted, returned to Earth, and just didn't feel at home anymore.

The swinging cabin house. Making intoxication unbearable since it was built.

Apparently stupid houses are popular among people who wish they lived in a fairy tale.

Why would ever choose to live in a shoe? I mean, just look at how silly Christmas decorations look on that house. Just silly.

I can guarantee this guy won't this his pumpkin house is so cool when it starts to rot. Imaging the smell.

Word are utterly inadequate to describe the stupidity of this house.

As if fairy tale fans weren’t bad enough, hipsters had to come along with their stupid plans for “modern” homes, which look like they were made out of legos or cardboard boxes all painted different colors.

What is easily the dumbest house, and the one that motivated this entire post, is the snail house.

Made from crushed baby snail shells. Thousands of 'em.

This thing is like every LSD fan’s dream come true.

Look at all those colors! And the interior vegatation!

How are the people in the back supposed to see the tv?

I think that all exterminators would unanimously agree, the builder of this house deserves to be exterminated. Mr. builder of the snail house, you’ve been warned.

No, this extermination is not inspired by a Looney Tunes cartoon starring a coyote or a road runner.

It is inspired by real life events. Meet John Blanchard, the fateful subject of this extermination.

 

John Blanchard - Not a brilliant man.

 

Every once in a while someone does something terribly stupid, and one of my favorite responses is to simply comment: “That’s evolution in action.”  We’re talking survival of the fittest here, folks.

 

I personally own this amazing Nike shirt. I got it in sixth grade, and it's still a little big. Nevertheless, it's my favorite shirt to wear while Exterminating.

 

A few night ago, Johnny decided to smoke some meth. No biggie. Unfortunately, the blowtorch that he chose to use was defective. The real problem began when he tossed the defective blowtorch aside, while it was burning (apparently), and it was just a tad too close to that big barrel of gunpowder. By some act of God (or fate, or evolution) the gunpowder exploded. Thank goodness that nearby container of black powder didn’t ignite too. (I can’t make this up people.) Unfortunately however, some other crap did catch fire.  Well, good ‘ole John jumped on his tractor (a/k/a ghetto riding lawnmower), which wasn’t quite as fast as he’d hoped.

 

John, when it comes to getaway vehicles, this was a poor choice. (It's not even a John Deere.)

 

John didn’t quite get away, and was nabbed by the police, who certainly had a difficult time catching up to this supercharged mower.

He was lucky enough to escape extermination this time, but it’s clearly inevitable that evolution will step in and exterminate good ‘ole John any day now.  Let’s just hope that makes it to the papers too.

As we all know, extermination is not for the faint of heart. And sometimes, things go wrong… terribly wrong. This is the tragic story of an extermination attempt that did not go as planned.  Or did it?

It all started in 1947. Termites had begun to overtake America, causing more than $50,000,000 worth of damage to homes owned by good, hardworking American men, who allowed their families to also dwell in these homes. Termites were literally, literally, eating US families out of house, and home (no, those things are not always one and the same). In such dire times, who should America turn to? That’s right, the EXTERMINATORS.

The President of the United States of America picked up that little red phone, which used to be used to call superheros, but was now used to call the real heroes (yes, Exterminators) and called Guarantee Fumigating Co. of Los Angeles.

Deploying state-of-the-freakin’-art technology, these Exterminators sought to eradicate the terminates in a home that was purchased by two school teachers, who apparently were too stupid to have the home inspected before spending more money than they had ever spent in their lives.  Everything was going according to plan, until something went wrong.

While in the course of exterminating these termites, the Exterminators apparently became a little overzealous and exterminated the entire house. Just look how awesome that is.

The lesson to be learned here: Exterminators mean business. When you call an Exterminator to exterminate, you better get out of the way.

Who is David Cameron, you might ask? The answer: I have no idea.

But with campaign slogans like this, it doesn’t matter what your platform is, or even which party you represent, if any. There’s a good chance you’ll get my vote. David Cameron, I like your style. Keep on exterminating partner!

When it’s time to tell someone that their number’s up.

Available for $5.99, including shipping and handling. To order, please provide all necessary credit card information and shipping instructions in the comment box. Thank you.

Life Magazine recently did a piece for their website titled 30 Dumb Inventions.  Overall, the piece was not that exciting.  However, one thing they dissed was a called an invention called a Cigarette Pack Holder. I’m going to be honest, this thing was awesome.

This invention allows you to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes at one time. How could that be a stupid invention? I think it’s brilliant, and that people who fail to see this brilliance are lacking in their own right. More importantly, people who publicly diss such an awesome invention should be exterminated. Life Magazine, looks like your number’s up.

In a similar vein, I think the guy who invented this contraption should also be exterminated.

Who wants to share a cigarette through a big horseshoe, when you could smoke like 20 of your own at the same time? Plus, you just look stupid.  It’s also the ultimate way to ruin a pickup. Just imagine:

“Hey baby, can bum a smoke?”

“No need, we can share mine through this gigantic horseshoe device, and look at each other awkwardly out of the corners of our eyes.”

No one is getting anywhere with this approach.  On the bright side, they can still hold hands while using this thing, so maybe… No, it’s stupid and should be exterminated along with its inventor. End of story.

For anyone that questioned the prior calling for extermination of cats, i present this creepy little bastard.

Don't look into his eyes!

I rest my case.

I think I’ll let Mr. President do some good, for a change.  Go get ’em Bushy!

To be honest, I intended to propose the extermination of the inventor of the pedometer, until I discovered (according to the highly credible Wikipedia) that it was the great Thomas Jefferson who introduced the pedometer to America.  And since the Jefferson memorial is my favorite in DC, and he said such neat things, I decided that exterminating the guy was a bit extreme, and decided to settle for exterminating the pedometer itself. For those of you ignoramuses, a pedometer “senses your body motion and counts your footsteps.” (See here for incredibly helpful tips on selecting the pedometer that is right for you.) Pedometers come in all different shapes and sizes.

Here's one built by orphans in Texas.

Wearing this thing makes you a target.... for extermination.

This one comes with the spirit of a ninja packed inside.

There's nothing clever to say about this one. It's relatively boring by comparison.

The problem with the pedometer, is that it tricks lazy people into thinking they are exercising, just by doing what they have to do anyways. “Hey buddy, you don’t need to go to the gym. You can exercise just by walking from your car to the Dairy Queen!” – or – “What’s that, you just walked from the couch to the restroom. Nice workout!”

The best part about pedometers is the ads that seek to sell them. A few examples:

"This pedometer gives me a great excuse to try out my cute new gym clothes!"

That arm band allows her to step with incredible efficiency.

I'm pretty sure it doesn't work while you're scuba diving. Sorry lady.

The strap, for times when those walks get a little more intense than expected!

It’s ads like these, featuring people in gym clothes that are ready to get down to business, which help convince people they are actually working out, just by wearing a pedometer. My grandfather is 86 years old and goes on a walk every day, all without the assistance or motivation of a little device that counts his steps for him. I’m pretty sure he drove his minivan along the neighborhood and just mapped out a two-mile loop, which clearly is not as fun or motivating as the use of a pedometer.  According to some study, people who regularly use a pedometer tend to increase their physical activity by more than a mile a day. Is that really true, or did we just start considering the trip from the front door to the lazy boy exercise?

Now don’t get me wrong, if they turn this thing into some sort of video game I would surely be on board.

Thank you Nintendo!

Oh, it’s only for the Nintendo DS? Nevermind. I wanted to be able to play while sitting down.

Bottom line, pedometers are a stupid excuse to consider daily activities exercise, and to further postpone any meaningful activity. They should be exterminated. I propose a method such as this:

On the list for extermination: Pop Punk Bands. Here’s the thing with kids in pop punk bands – they’re idiots. They try and look all tough, and then write sissy music and put on a show that is closer to a ballet than any punk rock show should ever be.

Example number 1, Good Charlotte.

Good Charlotte - posers

Writing music you would expect to hear come from a female pop star, which sounds like it was sung by their 4 year-old little sister, these guys aren’t fooling anyone. Just because you have tattoos on your knuckles and smear mascara on your face, singing about wanting to be rich does not suddenly become punk rock. Instead, you end up looking like a teenage girl that’s been crying for hours after watching her favorite episode of Gossip Girl, and you sound like a spoiled brat. Listen kid, when your name is Benji (yes, like that cute little mutt that was in movies when we were kids) no one will believe that you are tough. Speaking of pop stars and spoiled brats, we’re on the next example, Fall Out Boy.

Fall Out Boy - loves pop stars and lawyers

Yes, that dude beat up the neighbor kid , who happens to be the only 3rd grader in the neighborhood with only one arm, and stole his hoodie to wear in this picture.  He also got his hair dyed at his mother’s salon. Also, that dude on the back left looks like Patrick Dempsey from Can’t Buy Me Love. Not tough. When you write songs with titles like “Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued” no respectable punk rocker will respect you, because you don’t deserve it. Real punk rockers wouldn’t have attorneys, and if they’re label had an attorney, who made such a suggestion, they wouldn’t care, because they have no respect for authority, government, or laws. Also, when you are able to say, “Hey guys, I’m spending Christmas this year with my wife, Ashely Simpson’s family…” you are not punk rock. Punk rockers don’t marry pop stars. They have standards.

Finally, New Found Glory.

New Found Glory - from the golf course to your television - I swear we're punk rock

I’m pretty sure that guy is not currently enrolled in Hogwarts, and there is no other reason for him to be wearing those ridiculous clothes. “No guys, it’s cool, I put a button on the blazer. Trust me, it’s tough.” You cannot make an entire album of Disney cover songs, and claim to be punk rock. End of the story.

so, so true

The real problem with these guys is that they bring shame to a respectable scene. Take for example: Gallows.

singer - hangin' from the rafters

This is how a real punk rock show should look – band members hanging from the rafters, fists in the air, and people going crazy. With lyrics like “Forget yourselves, you’re all going to burn in hell. You have no redeeming features.” and “A million ‘Hail Marry’s won’t save you now, we’re burning all your churches down.” these guy know how to keep it real, and keep it punk rock.

Next example of real punk rock? Rancid.

Yes, that mohawk alone is enough to make you punk rock.

Without a doubt, these guys could beat the crap out of those pop punk kiddies. There is no denying the punk rockness of Rancid. With songs about being 15 and drinking on the public bus, these guys have clearly been mixing it up for decades with a demonstrated lack of respect for authority and rules. Just look at the genuine toughness on those faces.

I propose that we schedule a brawl, between the real punk rockers and the pop punk rockers. This extermination will take care of itself. No one really wants to listen to pop punk anyway. Just imagine…