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Monthly Archives: October 2010

No, this extermination is not inspired by a Looney Tunes cartoon starring a coyote or a road runner.

It is inspired by real life events. Meet John Blanchard, the fateful subject of this extermination.

 

John Blanchard - Not a brilliant man.

 

Every once in a while someone does something terribly stupid, and one of my favorite responses is to simply comment: “That’s evolution in action.”  We’re talking survival of the fittest here, folks.

 

I personally own this amazing Nike shirt. I got it in sixth grade, and it's still a little big. Nevertheless, it's my favorite shirt to wear while Exterminating.

 

A few night ago, Johnny decided to smoke some meth. No biggie. Unfortunately, the blowtorch that he chose to use was defective. The real problem began when he tossed the defective blowtorch aside, while it was burning (apparently), and it was just a tad too close to that big barrel of gunpowder. By some act of God (or fate, or evolution) the gunpowder exploded. Thank goodness that nearby container of black powder didn’t ignite too. (I can’t make this up people.) Unfortunately however, some other crap did catch fire.  Well, good ‘ole John jumped on his tractor (a/k/a ghetto riding lawnmower), which wasn’t quite as fast as he’d hoped.

 

John, when it comes to getaway vehicles, this was a poor choice. (It's not even a John Deere.)

 

John didn’t quite get away, and was nabbed by the police, who certainly had a difficult time catching up to this supercharged mower.

He was lucky enough to escape extermination this time, but it’s clearly inevitable that evolution will step in and exterminate good ‘ole John any day now.  Let’s just hope that makes it to the papers too.

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As we all know, extermination is not for the faint of heart. And sometimes, things go wrong… terribly wrong. This is the tragic story of an extermination attempt that did not go as planned.  Or did it?

It all started in 1947. Termites had begun to overtake America, causing more than $50,000,000 worth of damage to homes owned by good, hardworking American men, who allowed their families to also dwell in these homes. Termites were literally, literally, eating US families out of house, and home (no, those things are not always one and the same). In such dire times, who should America turn to? That’s right, the EXTERMINATORS.

The President of the United States of America picked up that little red phone, which used to be used to call superheros, but was now used to call the real heroes (yes, Exterminators) and called Guarantee Fumigating Co. of Los Angeles.

Deploying state-of-the-freakin’-art technology, these Exterminators sought to eradicate the terminates in a home that was purchased by two school teachers, who apparently were too stupid to have the home inspected before spending more money than they had ever spent in their lives.  Everything was going according to plan, until something went wrong.

While in the course of exterminating these termites, the Exterminators apparently became a little overzealous and exterminated the entire house. Just look how awesome that is.

The lesson to be learned here: Exterminators mean business. When you call an Exterminator to exterminate, you better get out of the way.

Who is David Cameron, you might ask? The answer: I have no idea.

But with campaign slogans like this, it doesn’t matter what your platform is, or even which party you represent, if any. There’s a good chance you’ll get my vote. David Cameron, I like your style. Keep on exterminating partner!

When it’s time to tell someone that their number’s up.

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Life Magazine recently did a piece for their website titled 30 Dumb Inventions.  Overall, the piece was not that exciting.  However, one thing they dissed was a called an invention called a Cigarette Pack Holder. I’m going to be honest, this thing was awesome.

This invention allows you to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes at one time. How could that be a stupid invention? I think it’s brilliant, and that people who fail to see this brilliance are lacking in their own right. More importantly, people who publicly diss such an awesome invention should be exterminated. Life Magazine, looks like your number’s up.

In a similar vein, I think the guy who invented this contraption should also be exterminated.

Who wants to share a cigarette through a big horseshoe, when you could smoke like 20 of your own at the same time? Plus, you just look stupid.  It’s also the ultimate way to ruin a pickup. Just imagine:

“Hey baby, can bum a smoke?”

“No need, we can share mine through this gigantic horseshoe device, and look at each other awkwardly out of the corners of our eyes.”

No one is getting anywhere with this approach.  On the bright side, they can still hold hands while using this thing, so maybe… No, it’s stupid and should be exterminated along with its inventor. End of story.

For anyone that questioned the prior calling for extermination of cats, i present this creepy little bastard.

Don't look into his eyes!

I rest my case.

I think I’ll let Mr. President do some good, for a change.  Go get ’em Bushy!

To be honest, I intended to propose the extermination of the inventor of the pedometer, until I discovered (according to the highly credible Wikipedia) that it was the great Thomas Jefferson who introduced the pedometer to America.  And since the Jefferson memorial is my favorite in DC, and he said such neat things, I decided that exterminating the guy was a bit extreme, and decided to settle for exterminating the pedometer itself. For those of you ignoramuses, a pedometer “senses your body motion and counts your footsteps.” (See here for incredibly helpful tips on selecting the pedometer that is right for you.) Pedometers come in all different shapes and sizes.

Here's one built by orphans in Texas.

Wearing this thing makes you a target.... for extermination.

This one comes with the spirit of a ninja packed inside.

There's nothing clever to say about this one. It's relatively boring by comparison.

The problem with the pedometer, is that it tricks lazy people into thinking they are exercising, just by doing what they have to do anyways. “Hey buddy, you don’t need to go to the gym. You can exercise just by walking from your car to the Dairy Queen!” – or – “What’s that, you just walked from the couch to the restroom. Nice workout!”

The best part about pedometers is the ads that seek to sell them. A few examples:

"This pedometer gives me a great excuse to try out my cute new gym clothes!"

That arm band allows her to step with incredible efficiency.

I'm pretty sure it doesn't work while you're scuba diving. Sorry lady.

The strap, for times when those walks get a little more intense than expected!

It’s ads like these, featuring people in gym clothes that are ready to get down to business, which help convince people they are actually working out, just by wearing a pedometer. My grandfather is 86 years old and goes on a walk every day, all without the assistance or motivation of a little device that counts his steps for him. I’m pretty sure he drove his minivan along the neighborhood and just mapped out a two-mile loop, which clearly is not as fun or motivating as the use of a pedometer.  According to some study, people who regularly use a pedometer tend to increase their physical activity by more than a mile a day. Is that really true, or did we just start considering the trip from the front door to the lazy boy exercise?

Now don’t get me wrong, if they turn this thing into some sort of video game I would surely be on board.

Thank you Nintendo!

Oh, it’s only for the Nintendo DS? Nevermind. I wanted to be able to play while sitting down.

Bottom line, pedometers are a stupid excuse to consider daily activities exercise, and to further postpone any meaningful activity. They should be exterminated. I propose a method such as this: