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Monthly Archives: September 2010

On the list for extermination: Pop Punk Bands. Here’s the thing with kids in pop punk bands – they’re idiots. They try and look all tough, and then write sissy music and put on a show that is closer to a ballet than any punk rock show should ever be.

Example number 1, Good Charlotte.

Good Charlotte - posers

Writing music you would expect to hear come from a female pop star, which sounds like it was sung by their 4 year-old little sister, these guys aren’t fooling anyone. Just because you have tattoos on your knuckles and smear mascara on your face, singing about wanting to be rich does not suddenly become punk rock. Instead, you end up looking like a teenage girl that’s been crying for hours after watching her favorite episode of Gossip Girl, and you sound like a spoiled brat. Listen kid, when your name is Benji (yes, like that cute little mutt that was in movies when we were kids) no one will believe that you are tough. Speaking of pop stars and spoiled brats, we’re on the next example, Fall Out Boy.

Fall Out Boy - loves pop stars and lawyers

Yes, that dude beat up the neighbor kid , who happens to be the only 3rd grader in the neighborhood with only one arm, and stole his hoodie to wear in this picture.  He also got his hair dyed at his mother’s salon. Also, that dude on the back left looks like Patrick Dempsey from Can’t Buy Me Love. Not tough. When you write songs with titles like “Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued” no respectable punk rocker will respect you, because you don’t deserve it. Real punk rockers wouldn’t have attorneys, and if they’re label had an attorney, who made such a suggestion, they wouldn’t care, because they have no respect for authority, government, or laws. Also, when you are able to say, “Hey guys, I’m spending Christmas this year with my wife, Ashely Simpson’s family…” you are not punk rock. Punk rockers don’t marry pop stars. They have standards.

Finally, New Found Glory.

New Found Glory - from the golf course to your television - I swear we're punk rock

I’m pretty sure that guy is not currently enrolled in Hogwarts, and there is no other reason for him to be wearing those ridiculous clothes. “No guys, it’s cool, I put a button on the blazer. Trust me, it’s tough.” You cannot make an entire album of Disney cover songs, and claim to be punk rock. End of the story.

so, so true

The real problem with these guys is that they bring shame to a respectable scene. Take for example: Gallows.

singer - hangin' from the rafters

This is how a real punk rock show should look – band members hanging from the rafters, fists in the air, and people going crazy. With lyrics like “Forget yourselves, you’re all going to burn in hell. You have no redeeming features.” and “A million ‘Hail Marry’s won’t save you now, we’re burning all your churches down.” these guy know how to keep it real, and keep it punk rock.

Next example of real punk rock? Rancid.

Yes, that mohawk alone is enough to make you punk rock.

Without a doubt, these guys could beat the crap out of those pop punk kiddies. There is no denying the punk rockness of Rancid. With songs about being 15 and drinking on the public bus, these guys have clearly been mixing it up for decades with a demonstrated lack of respect for authority and rules. Just look at the genuine toughness on those faces.

I propose that we schedule a brawl, between the real punk rockers and the pop punk rockers. This extermination will take care of itself. No one really wants to listen to pop punk anyway. Just imagine…

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I present to you, the founders of the Tea Party.

These guys are cool, but the people who followed in the footsteps deserve to be exterminated. At best, Tea Party members have a tenuous grasp on the constitution, judicial process, equality, and the concept of civil liberties.

At worst, the Tea Party is comprised of people who are racists, bigots, ignorant, and make bad signs. I have a feeling that if it were up to the Tea Party, anyone that wasn’t WASPy enough would be exterminated. I vote that we beat them to the punch, and by that I mean…. you know.

Rumor has it that in Montana, the Republican party wants to make homosexual conduct a crime. See for yourself.  And the Tea Party is based on the principal that the Republican Party is not conservative enough? Maybe part of the problem with Tea Party members is their approach. If they sought political change like the dude below, I would be willing to listen to their position.

However, the don’t. They make signs that are offensive and in now way promote constructive dialogue. A few examples:

It seems to me that comparing our president, and the Democratic party,  to Adolf Hitler and Lenin, would discourage unification of the politicians and citizens.

Does that sign seriously say "white slavery"? Does that imply that slavery is okay, as long as it's not of "whites"? I suppose you can expect nothing but revenge from a black president.

Honestly, I’m not even sure what this one means.

I agree, overthrowing the government is the only way to go. Let's do it.

I like Jewish jokes as much as the next guy, but I'm pretty sure this goes too far.

With signs like this, who cares about the specific details of your agenda. You should just be exterminated.

If you are ever forced to pick 0ne individual in society to be exterminated, I propose Michael Bolton. Once referred to as a “no talent a$$ clown,” this guy has been an eye sore for decades. With that nasty hair, awkward nose, and stupid facial expressions, there really is no doubt about the visual benefit that would arise from his extermination.

No, this is not the cover of a lame romance novel. It's how Michael Bolton looks every day.

No, Michael is not pretending to be a colonist or British composer. He just likes to dress and look like an idiot. Nose job anyone?

As if the visual assault inflicted by Michael wasn’t enough, he creates music that could only be useful or appreciated by military personnel attempting to flush out their enemies by making them chose to flee their safe house and face sudden death rather than bear another minute of  listening to the unrelenting infliction caused by the music of Michael Bolton.

Yes Michael, it sounds better with your shirt off. Also, that guitar crafted by American Indian orphans really boosts your overall sex appeal.

Apparently Michael Bolton decided that he wasn’t quite douchy enough, and decided to join dancing with the stars.  Nice move, Mike, keepin’ yourself on top of pop culture trends.


I can pretty much guarantee Alice Cooper hates the fact that he’s in this picture. He either got paid a lot to be there, or was on a lot of drugs and had no idea what was going on. Either way, he should have had the discernment to not be in a picture with Michael Bolton.

There’s really only one man that deserves to be called Michael Bolton. And I’m pretty sure if there was a fight between the Michael Boltons, this guy would win. Let’s give him the honors of carrying out this extermination.

one of the founding fathers of extermination

You’ve heard it said that “there are no stupid questions.”

Even Batman said it.

I wholeheartedly disagree with this statement. Let’s be honest:

I think a more appropriate version of the saying was adopted by the beloved Mr. Garrison.

Maybe we should take it one step further: There are stupid people who ask stupid questions.

One of the problems with stupid questions is that they waste everyone’s time.

If someone goes to the effort to make a sign, don’t make them read it to you too. I’m sure this poor lady behind the desk has better things to do than answer this idiot’s stupid questions. Often times, stupid questions are asked by people that fail to pay attention to what is right in front of their face. The answer is obvious, which makes the question stupid.

Other times, stupid questions are asked by people who are too lazy to think for themselves, or actually try to find the answer. You know, the guy who asks you what time it is, instead of looking at the watch on his own wrist.

I can pretty much guarantee this dude asks stupid questions. So lazy..

One of the other problems with stupid questions, is that I just don’t have the patience for them. That may be a flaw on my part, but I’m willing to live with it. I think the only solution is for stupid people to stop asking stupid questions.

This rabbit has it all figured out.

Probably the best way to make stupid people stop asking stupid questions, is to retaliate with violence when they do.  Obviously, I think that’s just about the best way to handle any problem.

Brilliant solution.

So the next time you are about to ask a question, do us all a favor, and make sure it’s not a stupid one.  If you won’t do it for me, do it for the kittens.

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire.

This one is a little to easy. Lairs and people who don’t keep their word should be exterminated. Society simply cannot function properly when everyone lies to one another. Plus, it’s just uncool and frustrating.

Take this chick, for example. She says she’s your friend, but she’s not carrying that assault rifle for fun. That’s right, she is lying to you, and you’re about to die. Not cool.

Uncool.

And look at this guy. He probably sells used cars, or is an attorney or something. Or maybe he’s the type of mechanic who closes the shop early, even after you called to say that you’re on your way and he said he would wait. As if he didn’t struggle with being cool already, the lying just puts him over the top. This guy is totally uncool.

Little Liar.

Yes, even children can be liars.  Sad but true. There is simply no way that girl’s doll house cost her $38,375. So why does she feel compelled to lie about it? Sorry kid, you’re not cool.

There are a couple different approaches to dealing with liars. I would recommend creating a truth serum, but it looks like it’s already been done.

And with a name like “Ram-a-Liar” you know it has to be awesome. Maybe someone should use it on the kid above. Next idea: You could verbally assault the liar. I’m actually a big fan of this one. So’s this guy.

Obviously, this kid has had enough.

Then there’s always the pacifist approach, as demonstrated by this wise little penguin.

This approach is obviously for the weak and lame.

When this blog was started, part of the motivation was that I could have the final word. Recently, that was challenged when it was demanded that I exterminate the words “fortnight” and “fortnightly.” Claims such as “you have a demanding public to appease” were uttered, and were carefully considered. However, after much soul searching and evaluation, I have decided to maintain my grasp control over power of extermination, and the words “fortnight” and “fortnightly” shall not be exterminated. But before we get in to my reasons, let’s consider the history of these words.

Fortnight.

The fortnight is a unit of time equal to fourteen days. The word derives from the Old English feorwertyne niht, meaning “fourteen nights.” Fortnight is a commonly used word in Britain and many Commonwealth countries such as Pakistan, India, New Zealand, and Australia, where many wages, salaries, and most social security benefits are paid on a fortnightly basis. The word is rarely used in the United States, but is used regionally in Canada. American payroll systems may use the term biweekly in reference to pay periods every two weeks. The terms fortnightly and biweekly should not be mistaken with semimonthly. (All information is copied verbatim from Wikipedia.com, and therefore is entirely accurate.)

Reasons not to exterminate the terms “fortnight” and “fortnightly”:

  1. They derive from Old English words.
  2. Everyone loves Old English words.
  3. Everyone loves British accents, and if you listen hard enough while reading these words, you can hear a British woman reading them to you.
  4. Everyone loves when a British woman reads to them.
  5. Because “fortnightly” sounds cooler than “every two weeks” and certainly is more efficient.
  6. Because Americans are lazy and don’t even bother to include vowels when they type half the time. Of course they could get on board with using one word instead of three.
  7. Because in other countries, wages are paid fortnightly. In fact, my wages are paid fortnightly, right here in this county. And who doesn’t like to get paid?
  8. Because of that cute cartoon above.
  9. Because if Western World Jesus is on board with it, then so am I.

And that settles it.

Remember that awesome show Nash Bridges, starring the infamous Don Johnson? Well, Johnson owned half of the copyright for the serious, and some jerks tried to withhold his profits from the series. So Don Johnson, a/k/a Sonny Crockett, sued those suckers. Of course, he won tons of money. But the question is, why would anyone want to steal from Don Johnson?

Look how tough he is.

And so cool.

His coolness is timeless.

And just look at that award winning smile!

I think those thieves deserve more than financial punishment. Give it to ’em Donnie!

Up for extermination today: Unicycles. The first reason that unicycles should be exterminated is because they are stupid, and for the  most part, people that ride them are just weird. They help people look like idiots, and the last thing we need are more idiots. A few examples:

Goofy.

Did he really think the pink suit was necessary?

These children have sabotaged any chance of popularity.

The umbrella is a nice touch.

Seriously, an electric unicycle?

Although this evidence is persuasive enough, the main reason for the extermination of the unicycle is that it represents a step backward in the evolutionary process. The two-wheel bicycle works just fine. Why complicate things by taking away one of the wheels, thereby creating a less efficient device? With few exception, you don’t see people cutting off one of their legs because they like a challenge. (The few exceptions:)

I swear it makes public transportation more exciting.

This guy just likes a challenge.

It is time we exterminate this useless creation.

This will serve as a brief argument for the extermination of cats. Since the dawn of time, man has kept animals for pets (well, at least since Colonial American times). Cats, should not fall under the umbrella of animals worthy to be kept as pets. In fact, they probably should not fall under the umbrella of animals that we allow to live. Here are just a few reasons for the extermination of the feline species.

Cats are not loving.

This mangy beast could not look more miserable.

Cats are not nurturing.

You can see the coldness in its eyes.

This is just cruel.

Cats do not obey or follow rules.

Look at this little trouble maker.

I'm sure this comes as no surprise.

Cats are not intelligent.

What an idiot.

Don't let the glasses fool you. This cat is dumb.

Cats are greedy.

Just look at this fat, greedy cat.

Cats do not contribute to the betterment of society.

He thinks he's so funny.

They could crack and go postal at any minute.

And most cats aren’t even cute.

Yes, that is an actual cat.

When we are honest with ourselves, some people that like and keep cats should probably be exterminated too.

How does that even happen?

In conclusion, this evidence clearly demonstrates the simple truth that cats are just plain evil. They do not love, they do not nurture, they do not obey, they do not perform, they are not intelligent, they do not contribute to the betterment of society, and most of them aren’t even cute.  Therefore, why bother keeping them around? We might as well just exterminate them.